Life. Challenges. Church has been an issue for me. Finding a church has been an issue for me. I've never struggled with church before, but living on my own, I've made my own decisions to find what fits me. I've been to many churches where I live and I find it hard to be apart of one. Maybe it's because I was so burnt out by going to church as a kid that I just needed a break? I have taken about a 3 year "break" from church. Most people would say, that's horrible, you need Jesus back in your life...well he never will leave me. I still believe in Him.
You don't have to go to church to be a Christian, BUT you need to go to church to fellowship with other believers. Got it. I don't like going to church. I don't mean that in a bad way at all. I just don't like being around people who talk about you behind your back. Not everyone does it, but from my experiences within the church, I've been broken. My heart has been broken since I was about 17 years old. When I was a kid, I was attending church I saw a young girl and her friend physically get kicked out of church. The pastor grabbed the girl ( about my age) by her arm and told her " The Lord doesn't except scoffers in the church, and neither do I". I was in shock.
Long story short, the girl's friend had a son no more than the age of 4, who was mimicking those that were worshiping God. The young girls where chuckling as in "oh how cute is he" kinda chuckle. The pastor didn't like this and b lined for them. Later that week we had youth group. Somehow the episode on that Sunday came to the plate and I expressed what I saw. The pastors daughter was present and she went to tell her father of what I had said. Those next few months of attending that church were agonizing for me. I felt like the whole church was against me. My parents left before I did. Being that I could drive, I continued to attend. I called my youth pastor and expressed to her how deeply saddened I was to leave. She just broke down in tears and so did I.
I am not blaming that church for me not wanting to go back to church on a regular basis. I just don't think I could handle another let down from a pastor that I thought was so kind and present in the Word of God. I am calling it a break for now. My views have changed about many things as well.
I wanted to find myself. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to the world. I lost myself in order to find myself. I found me. I love being me. I love doing what my heart desires. Deep down inside I thought I would never be able to be this way. Staying positive in a negative world is by far, the hardest thing for someone to do.
J. Cay
