I will not be persecuted for my belief.

I don't even know how to express how I currently feel with all of this commotion going on about marriage equality. I'm so tired of this bull sh**. Let me explain something to those of you reading this out there...I am in no way being a racist, bigoted, terrorists ( although some may say I am since apparently all Republicans are...) , judgmental or whatever the hell you want to call it. I am getting in the flesh here people and my choice of words may be bothersome to people, but my blood is boiling and currently I want to be expressive ( more than usual).

 I am NOT in agreement with a marriage that is between a man and a man OR a woman between a woman. I will never bend and I will never accept that it is "normal". With that being said, I am NOT at all in any way, shape, or form hateful towards that individual that CHOOSES that lifestyle. What someone does with their life is their business. It is not my place, nor my desire to tell someone or ridicule someone for what they do in their life. In fact, I have tons of gay and lesbian friends ( not all, but some) who are very understanding of why I believe the way I believe. I LOVE THAT. We can choose to agree to disagree and not bash each other for what we think is right.

I am exhausted by this whole Facebook red box, pink equal sign which signifies marriage equality vomiting on my wall. Yes, I know it's petty. I just want to say, that it's super funny when someone who says that all Christians shove God down their throat when in reality, it's not even the case anymore. The tables have definitely turned and I feel that homosexuality is being shoved down every one's throat. Whether it's by social media or by real life instances, it's in your face ALL THE TIME. So when I share something on my own wall about something I agree that shouldn't be valid, BAM, I get slammed by someone who apparently thought I was for gay marriage. No bucko! I am a firm believer in a traditional Godly marriage.

Why don't we focus on what has been an issue for many, many years?...Abortion. That's something to fight hard for. Innocent children have been MURDERED. That's less important than gay rights? Are you kidding me?? How about child equality. All children are born, not murdered. Can that happen? Oh wait, no, it can't, because that is not their choice. The mom has the choice because it's her body right? NO, WRONG. That child is in it's own body, not apart of the mother. It's a living being and should be fought for more than any other issues.

Someone may tell me, stop bringing religion into politics, but excuse me, who are you? Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do? You ask me the same thing when you want your gay marriage rights to be legal. NO. I pray that this country would pull their heads out of the sand and realize what this country was founded on...Christian principles. Don't give me that line of separation of church and state...maybe you should look it up because you are a moron ( yes, I said it, go ahead and judge me ) for thinking that it doesn't apply.

I am tired of people coming after me as if I committed murder when I voice my opinion or share an opinion of someone with like beliefs. I see alot of my friends who are non-believers post or share or comment on something that is HIGHLY offensive to me, yet you don't see me slamming them for what they believe to be true. I opt to be the bigger person and just pray for them that they may have a change of heart. I don't want any one's opinion getting to me, but when you thought you had a friend who you agreed to disagree then slam you for something that they already knew, makes my heart hurt.

I'm not saying that I'm holier than thou. Every sin is still a sin. No matter how "large" or how "small". Everyone is a sinner, including me. Everyone has their mistakes, their faults and their life choices they choose to make. Only God can be your judge and everyone else is only here to make you accountable for your decisions whether it is good, bad or indifferent. Just like my last blog entry quoted, God will love you at your darkest. He won't leave us...ever, unless we decide to full walk away. Good night world.

Rant over,

J. Cay

Love Me At My Darkest.

Life is all about challenges you face, and how you react to them.

Life. Challenges. Church has been an issue for me. Finding a church has been an issue for me. I've never struggled with church before, but living on my own, I've made my own decisions to find what fits me.  I've been to many churches where I live and I find it hard to be apart of one. Maybe it's because I was so burnt out by going to church as a kid that I just needed a break? I have taken about a 3 year "break" from church. Most people would say, that's horrible, you need Jesus back in your life...well he never will leave me. I still believe in Him. 

You don't have to go to church to be a Christian, BUT you need to go to church to fellowship with other believers. Got it. I don't like going to church. I don't mean that in a bad way at all. I just don't like being around people who talk about you behind your back. Not everyone does it, but from my experiences within the church, I've been broken. My heart has been broken since I was about 17 years old. When I was a kid, I was attending church I saw a young girl and her friend physically get kicked out of church. The pastor grabbed the girl ( about my age) by her arm and told her " The Lord doesn't except scoffers in the church, and neither do I". I was in shock.

 Long story short, the girl's friend had a son no more than the age of 4, who was mimicking those that were worshiping God. The young girls where chuckling as in "oh how cute is he" kinda chuckle. The pastor didn't like this and b lined for them. Later that week we had youth group. Somehow the episode on that Sunday came to the plate and I expressed what I saw. The pastors daughter was present and she went to tell her father of what I had said. Those next few months of attending that church were agonizing for me. I felt like the whole church was against me. My parents left before I did. Being that I could drive, I continued to attend. I called my youth pastor and expressed to her how deeply saddened I was to leave. She just broke down in tears and so did I. 

I am not blaming that church for me not wanting to go back to church on a regular basis. I just don't think I could handle another let down from a pastor that I thought was so kind and present in the Word of God. I am calling it a break for now. My views have changed about many things as well. 

I wanted to find myself. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to the world. I lost myself in order to find myself. I found me. I love being me. I love doing what my heart desires. Deep down inside I thought I would never be able to be this way. Staying positive in a negative world is by far, the hardest thing for someone to do. 

J. Cay

Empty.

This year I told myself that I would remain positive. Well, 15 days in, and frankly, I'm going to be a bit "emo" right now. As I sit in my room, waiting on word of when I get to leave Afghanistan, I am starting to think about how life will be like coming back to the states. I feel like it's going to be an empty feeling, and feeling like I'm going home to nothing. The arguments that I have endured, the friends I have lost, trust has been lost in a few people, and the hopes of coming back to something good are all starting to come to a reality.

I will not allow myself to be moved by anyone who thinks I'm living wrong or not living to their standards. I want to live feeling like I belong somewhere. I feel like I'm going home to nothing. I have made a list of all the things I would like to accomplish when I get home, but I still feel empty, lifeless. A person cannot stay positive all the time, right? I am just wondering if I have been me, the real me. The answer to my question is: no, I haven't been  the real me. I've been feeling like a wallflower to the world. I shut down and shut everyone out of my life to "find" myself or reel myself back to reality.

"You haven't changed at all. You know, war changes people, and you haven't changed at all!" Words from someone who makes me feel so small.  It's all me, me, me. Has that person ever thought of looking at the mirror before looking at others? Why is it that everyone who you "trust" burns you, in any way they can? I am physically tired of all the arguments, all the hurt, all the doubts, all of it. I know that they mean well, but your approach is not the most keen. I've been down the road of depression, anxiety, and yes, I'm express my most intimate detail for the world to see. Nobody is perfect, nobody ever will be. I've had my fair share of "brain meds" that I've taken...none of which worked. I realized through my nasty breakup, my nasty fights with people, that none of it will change with the power of medication. What will work is talking. Talk to someone, let them be your ear. Express how YOU FEEL. I've realized that my idea of therapy is just expressing how you feel (aka blogging ;) ) or felt that moment of your breakdown.

My therapy is a bit of a mix. I exercise to release my anxiety. When I feel depressed, my vice is a glass of wine with a plate of expensive cheese, or hiking out somewhere, where nobody can find me for a couple of hours. I just need to get away. I need to loose myself in order to find myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a great family. Feeling empty in my own life needs to change. I stay positive as much as I can. Today, for the rest of today, I will remain positive. I just needed to air our my negatives.

J. Cay

Everything Happens For A Reason...

I am a firm believer that all people, in a way, have a split personality of some sort. I'm not saying they are bi-polar, but they do show signs of it to a certain degree. How can someone go from an all time high of being excited, ready to take on the world, to complete low, and negative spirit? The statements someone makes...does that make a person change their attitude or just their state of feeling in the heat of the moment? I have many questions as to why I stumble upon such confrontations.

I was hung up on the phone today. I just have to say, it's funny that people's immediate reaction to something that they can't handle or don't want to talk about, they hang up the phone or simply walk away from the situation. We've all done that, including myself. Usually I'll call back and argue, but this time around I'm going to let the petty things go where they belong, far away from me...not to be heard again. I think I've finally grown up and just learned to move on. I'm glad that I got to experience this deployment. It's made me grow up in many ways I didn't think was possible. Life is what you make out of it, and I've finally come to realize that some people just never grow up. 

That being said, I am not down today after what happened with my phone call. In fact, I'm quite happy that it did happen. It showed me that more than capable of handling any situation that I don't or can't handle the other person. I'm not a confrontational person, but if need be, I will. I must avow, I live in a world where trust is more like a fairy tale, love is just a mystery that everyone must prove is true, smiles are faux, "real" friends fade away and worst of all, people are just overly sensitive to anything and everything that is said to them ( whether it's good, bad, or indifferent ). 

I realized at that very moment, I don't live for anyone except God. I realized at that very moment, I have finally grown up. I realized at that very moment, I am not who I use to be and I am finally being ME. I realized that it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. Thank you E.E. Cummings. I've been asking myself that question for a very long time. When will you grow up? When will you be an adult? Today my friends, I became what everyone wants to be.  Themselves.  

Once upon a time, Marilyn Monroe said : “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”  Thank you Miss Monroe. I guess everyone had to grow up some time in their life. Some in the spotlight and some in the back drop. I would say that her quote really fell in good ties with my whole situation today. I love learning and growing up from situations that are key to ones life experiences. 

J. Cay

Be Enthusiastic About Life!

This year, 2012...

Umpteen changes happened in my life this year. With that being said, I have changed as well. As I reminisce on this past year, I realize that I will never forget it. The beginning started rough, the middle was rough, and the end worked out into a nice breeze for this year. I will remember the good, the bad, and the ugly. I've embraced certain people and later on, burned the very bridge that was built. I stayed negative for the most part. I look back and wonder what went wrong with my life this year. I was slapped across the face with the thought of fruition that I was never openly happy with myself.

I've decided to only have one New Year's resolution. I sometimes think that these resolutions are bogus to a certain extent. I often wonder why people do make these resolutions, then at the end of the year, never succeed to fulfill most of them. It's like we want to change, but our own circumstances hinder our longing of becoming that "changed" individual. I've made plenty of changes in my life, some for the better and some far worse than before. So I pose this question to you all... Why do people make New Year's Resolutions? Why must we change? Are we changing for us, or for someone else? Are you going to remain positive and be you, OR are you going to pretend to be happy for someone else?

Don't doubt yourself...find yourself

I moved out on my own 3 years ago, moved to a new city, a new place to call home, new school, new people to meet, and new terrain. I would have never thought of moving to the place I did, or to accomplish the things I already have. I was always being told that I have changed. I'm not a little girl anymore. I wanted to learn my lessons and find out what life was like outside the box. I took a leap of bravery and made everyday count. Frankly, when someone tells you, "You've changed", it simply means, you've stopped living your life, their way.

This year was mentally challenging to me. I'm a strong willed woman, and I faced other strong willed people. I needed to find myself alone and frail to really find myself standing on my own, brave and taking on this world, one day at a time. I'll admit that this year was the most depressing. I felt vulnerable to the world. I felt like everyone could see my imperfections and I needed to hide. I was tired of letting people think for me, speak for me, walk my life for me...I just needed to be an adult, a growing adult.

I want to do what I want to do this time. No looking back, no what if's, and's or but's. Life was meant to be lived forward, not backwards. I thought I knew moving up here for school I'd become a nurse and achieve to receive my B.S.N. Well, negative thoughts on, "what if I can't do this" , "I don't think I'm smart enough", started to run through my head. If you think negative, you'll get negative. I ended up briskly changing my career choice and thought I was happy. Turns out, I was more embarrassed that I didn't finish what I had started. My lesson that I learned this year, don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough to live out your dream. My other lesson I've learned and I always tell people, never settle for less than what you deserve.

The New Year's Resolutions.

#1. I'm going to remain positive this year. ( Yes, one resolution )

I will not feel like I must settle, feel defeated or feel the need to quit. 2012 was a year that I came to apprehend who I needed to be. From this starting point, I will love myself more and more each day. I love how I have found myself and I need to accept myself for being true. Flaws and all, I am going to take this new year and do it how I see fit. 2013 is going to be a stupendous year and I can't wait to be me this time around. You don't have to be an extraordinary person, to extraordinary things!

J. Cay

Goodbye, My Darling Myca Ray...

I'm usually not mushy, gushy and I usually don't post twice in the same week, but I thought it would be nice. It's Christmas time! I have to admit, I was a grinch for a couple of years. I never liked Christmas. I like the message behind Christmas, but the whole getting gifts for people; I can't stand going shopping for people...they are so hard to shop for.  In fact this is about my heartache of loosing my beloved pet, Myca. She was such an awesome dog. Myca was rescued with another dog, Simon, which I still have him. He's 10 years old and is still trucking. Myca was 6 when we first met. She was disobedient and just down right stubborn. Her and I worked through everything together we did 4-H together and Simon did as well. She was awesome in agility. That was her thing, and her only thing. She was a beast.

My Myca Ray-Ray

As Christmas time rolled around for the past few years, it was hard for me to except the fact that she was truly gone. I was working Christmas day when my mom was calling me saying she wasn't doing too well. The days prior to Christmas, Myca was struggling with some abdominal issues. She was only 9 years old, we didn't expect anything worse to come out of this. It was busy at work on December 25th, 2009. My phone kept ringing, it was my mom. My heart sank as I picked up the phone. I can remember down to the exact time that she called to give me the news, it was 5:39pm. All my mom could say was, "I'm so sorry Jill, Myca is gone".  She said we had to take her to a city which was an hour and a half drive from where we lived at the time. I was speechless. At that moment, I hated that date. I hated the fact that I wasn't able to be there. I composed myself, walked up to my boss and told her I had to leave work. She hesitated even though she knew what my situation was. I sat in the car with my dead dog for an hour and a half. We arrived at the vet and I said my final goodbyes. What a way to remember Christmas, right?

It is now the year 2012. Three years later, I have finally let it be. I have accepted that she is in a better place, frolicking with other wonderful pets. Simon is healthy and free spirited. He's been there for me his 8 months of life until this day and I couldn't ask for a better solution. This year's Christmas is different...I'm positive!

RAINBOW BRIDGE:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown... 


That's all folks,

J.Cay

A dream is a wish...

When I think of life after high school, I think of the most amazing college years that are to come and then life that is to follow after.  In my case, everything came backwards, minus the high school years of course. My life after high school in a nutshell: I started community college for 2 years, got no where with that, joined the Army soon after, went to basic, finished all my training with the Army, bought a condo in Flagstaff, went to Northern Arizona University, quit after 2 years of being there (since I felt like I wasn't going anywhere with life...GARBAGE THOUGHT), since joining the Army I had to deploy to Afghanistan for 9 months, of which I am still here, 1 month to go, then going back to this thing called "life".

Look out NAU, here I come...again! :) 

I quit on NAU when I left for deployment. I enrolled in an online university which most "working adults" usually do. I didn't want to be in that category just yet.  I switched majors and took the risk of not graduating like all other college students do, 4 years later. Here I am Class of 2005, still no graduation or diploma to show for. In all my thinking, I have done more than any "regular college" student has done with their academic career or life, for that matter. I'm a war veteran! I have taken time to realize what it is that I want out of life. In fact, I knew what I've wanted all my life. I just manage to be influenced by people who don't have faith in me. That my dear friends, is a hard lesson learned. Don't ever let someone convince you that you aren't good enough to live your dream. If they think you are not great enough to live your dream, that means that they want what they can't have or, they want you to live their dream. They'll try to crush your dreams. You must have faith like a mustard seed in order to see the big picture. Depend on God, and he'll keep you going.

Being out here, alone, fed to the wolves ( at least that's what it feels like) you have a lot of time to think about life, lessons, people, job career, family, and the next steps you want to take with your life. Throughout my high school years I wanted to be in the medical field, helping people. I went to NAU for that same dream. It didn't happen. I was not tenacious enough to push through. Now out here thinking about every detail of my life, I realize, that dream is still there. I just have to let it live. I'm pondering about Exercise Science as my major. I got hurt out here. My hips are in agony everyday. I was told by my doctor that I could not run anymore. I am a runner, always have been. I'm never going to give up running until my body tells me no more. My body has not said that yet. I have found solutions to my bones hurting when I run. I want to share my experiences with anyone who is in a similar situation as I. Helping people is what I love to do. It's something that runs in my blood and I would hate for it to go to waste. End of thoughts are: pursue your dream and it will come true! You just have to believe in yourself to get that far.

J. Cay