I will not be persecuted for my belief.

I don't even know how to express how I currently feel with all of this commotion going on about marriage equality. I'm so tired of this bull sh**. Let me explain something to those of you reading this out there...I am in no way being a racist, bigoted, terrorists ( although some may say I am since apparently all Republicans are...) , judgmental or whatever the hell you want to call it. I am getting in the flesh here people and my choice of words may be bothersome to people, but my blood is boiling and currently I want to be expressive ( more than usual).

 I am NOT in agreement with a marriage that is between a man and a man OR a woman between a woman. I will never bend and I will never accept that it is "normal". With that being said, I am NOT at all in any way, shape, or form hateful towards that individual that CHOOSES that lifestyle. What someone does with their life is their business. It is not my place, nor my desire to tell someone or ridicule someone for what they do in their life. In fact, I have tons of gay and lesbian friends ( not all, but some) who are very understanding of why I believe the way I believe. I LOVE THAT. We can choose to agree to disagree and not bash each other for what we think is right.

I am exhausted by this whole Facebook red box, pink equal sign which signifies marriage equality vomiting on my wall. Yes, I know it's petty. I just want to say, that it's super funny when someone who says that all Christians shove God down their throat when in reality, it's not even the case anymore. The tables have definitely turned and I feel that homosexuality is being shoved down every one's throat. Whether it's by social media or by real life instances, it's in your face ALL THE TIME. So when I share something on my own wall about something I agree that shouldn't be valid, BAM, I get slammed by someone who apparently thought I was for gay marriage. No bucko! I am a firm believer in a traditional Godly marriage.

Why don't we focus on what has been an issue for many, many years?...Abortion. That's something to fight hard for. Innocent children have been MURDERED. That's less important than gay rights? Are you kidding me?? How about child equality. All children are born, not murdered. Can that happen? Oh wait, no, it can't, because that is not their choice. The mom has the choice because it's her body right? NO, WRONG. That child is in it's own body, not apart of the mother. It's a living being and should be fought for more than any other issues.

Someone may tell me, stop bringing religion into politics, but excuse me, who are you? Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do? You ask me the same thing when you want your gay marriage rights to be legal. NO. I pray that this country would pull their heads out of the sand and realize what this country was founded on...Christian principles. Don't give me that line of separation of church and state...maybe you should look it up because you are a moron ( yes, I said it, go ahead and judge me ) for thinking that it doesn't apply.

I am tired of people coming after me as if I committed murder when I voice my opinion or share an opinion of someone with like beliefs. I see alot of my friends who are non-believers post or share or comment on something that is HIGHLY offensive to me, yet you don't see me slamming them for what they believe to be true. I opt to be the bigger person and just pray for them that they may have a change of heart. I don't want any one's opinion getting to me, but when you thought you had a friend who you agreed to disagree then slam you for something that they already knew, makes my heart hurt.

I'm not saying that I'm holier than thou. Every sin is still a sin. No matter how "large" or how "small". Everyone is a sinner, including me. Everyone has their mistakes, their faults and their life choices they choose to make. Only God can be your judge and everyone else is only here to make you accountable for your decisions whether it is good, bad or indifferent. Just like my last blog entry quoted, God will love you at your darkest. He won't leave us...ever, unless we decide to full walk away. Good night world.

Rant over,

J. Cay

Love Me At My Darkest.

Life is all about challenges you face, and how you react to them.

Life. Challenges. Church has been an issue for me. Finding a church has been an issue for me. I've never struggled with church before, but living on my own, I've made my own decisions to find what fits me.  I've been to many churches where I live and I find it hard to be apart of one. Maybe it's because I was so burnt out by going to church as a kid that I just needed a break? I have taken about a 3 year "break" from church. Most people would say, that's horrible, you need Jesus back in your life...well he never will leave me. I still believe in Him. 

You don't have to go to church to be a Christian, BUT you need to go to church to fellowship with other believers. Got it. I don't like going to church. I don't mean that in a bad way at all. I just don't like being around people who talk about you behind your back. Not everyone does it, but from my experiences within the church, I've been broken. My heart has been broken since I was about 17 years old. When I was a kid, I was attending church I saw a young girl and her friend physically get kicked out of church. The pastor grabbed the girl ( about my age) by her arm and told her " The Lord doesn't except scoffers in the church, and neither do I". I was in shock.

 Long story short, the girl's friend had a son no more than the age of 4, who was mimicking those that were worshiping God. The young girls where chuckling as in "oh how cute is he" kinda chuckle. The pastor didn't like this and b lined for them. Later that week we had youth group. Somehow the episode on that Sunday came to the plate and I expressed what I saw. The pastors daughter was present and she went to tell her father of what I had said. Those next few months of attending that church were agonizing for me. I felt like the whole church was against me. My parents left before I did. Being that I could drive, I continued to attend. I called my youth pastor and expressed to her how deeply saddened I was to leave. She just broke down in tears and so did I. 

I am not blaming that church for me not wanting to go back to church on a regular basis. I just don't think I could handle another let down from a pastor that I thought was so kind and present in the Word of God. I am calling it a break for now. My views have changed about many things as well. 

I wanted to find myself. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to the world. I lost myself in order to find myself. I found me. I love being me. I love doing what my heart desires. Deep down inside I thought I would never be able to be this way. Staying positive in a negative world is by far, the hardest thing for someone to do. 

J. Cay

Empty.

This year I told myself that I would remain positive. Well, 15 days in, and frankly, I'm going to be a bit "emo" right now. As I sit in my room, waiting on word of when I get to leave Afghanistan, I am starting to think about how life will be like coming back to the states. I feel like it's going to be an empty feeling, and feeling like I'm going home to nothing. The arguments that I have endured, the friends I have lost, trust has been lost in a few people, and the hopes of coming back to something good are all starting to come to a reality.

I will not allow myself to be moved by anyone who thinks I'm living wrong or not living to their standards. I want to live feeling like I belong somewhere. I feel like I'm going home to nothing. I have made a list of all the things I would like to accomplish when I get home, but I still feel empty, lifeless. A person cannot stay positive all the time, right? I am just wondering if I have been me, the real me. The answer to my question is: no, I haven't been  the real me. I've been feeling like a wallflower to the world. I shut down and shut everyone out of my life to "find" myself or reel myself back to reality.

"You haven't changed at all. You know, war changes people, and you haven't changed at all!" Words from someone who makes me feel so small.  It's all me, me, me. Has that person ever thought of looking at the mirror before looking at others? Why is it that everyone who you "trust" burns you, in any way they can? I am physically tired of all the arguments, all the hurt, all the doubts, all of it. I know that they mean well, but your approach is not the most keen. I've been down the road of depression, anxiety, and yes, I'm express my most intimate detail for the world to see. Nobody is perfect, nobody ever will be. I've had my fair share of "brain meds" that I've taken...none of which worked. I realized through my nasty breakup, my nasty fights with people, that none of it will change with the power of medication. What will work is talking. Talk to someone, let them be your ear. Express how YOU FEEL. I've realized that my idea of therapy is just expressing how you feel (aka blogging ;) ) or felt that moment of your breakdown.

My therapy is a bit of a mix. I exercise to release my anxiety. When I feel depressed, my vice is a glass of wine with a plate of expensive cheese, or hiking out somewhere, where nobody can find me for a couple of hours. I just need to get away. I need to loose myself in order to find myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a great family. Feeling empty in my own life needs to change. I stay positive as much as I can. Today, for the rest of today, I will remain positive. I just needed to air our my negatives.

J. Cay

Everything Happens For A Reason...

I am a firm believer that all people, in a way, have a split personality of some sort. I'm not saying they are bi-polar, but they do show signs of it to a certain degree. How can someone go from an all time high of being excited, ready to take on the world, to complete low, and negative spirit? The statements someone makes...does that make a person change their attitude or just their state of feeling in the heat of the moment? I have many questions as to why I stumble upon such confrontations.

I was hung up on the phone today. I just have to say, it's funny that people's immediate reaction to something that they can't handle or don't want to talk about, they hang up the phone or simply walk away from the situation. We've all done that, including myself. Usually I'll call back and argue, but this time around I'm going to let the petty things go where they belong, far away from me...not to be heard again. I think I've finally grown up and just learned to move on. I'm glad that I got to experience this deployment. It's made me grow up in many ways I didn't think was possible. Life is what you make out of it, and I've finally come to realize that some people just never grow up. 

That being said, I am not down today after what happened with my phone call. In fact, I'm quite happy that it did happen. It showed me that more than capable of handling any situation that I don't or can't handle the other person. I'm not a confrontational person, but if need be, I will. I must avow, I live in a world where trust is more like a fairy tale, love is just a mystery that everyone must prove is true, smiles are faux, "real" friends fade away and worst of all, people are just overly sensitive to anything and everything that is said to them ( whether it's good, bad, or indifferent ). 

I realized at that very moment, I don't live for anyone except God. I realized at that very moment, I have finally grown up. I realized at that very moment, I am not who I use to be and I am finally being ME. I realized that it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. Thank you E.E. Cummings. I've been asking myself that question for a very long time. When will you grow up? When will you be an adult? Today my friends, I became what everyone wants to be.  Themselves.  

Once upon a time, Marilyn Monroe said : “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”  Thank you Miss Monroe. I guess everyone had to grow up some time in their life. Some in the spotlight and some in the back drop. I would say that her quote really fell in good ties with my whole situation today. I love learning and growing up from situations that are key to ones life experiences. 

J. Cay