Empty.

This year I told myself that I would remain positive. Well, 15 days in, and frankly, I'm going to be a bit "emo" right now. As I sit in my room, waiting on word of when I get to leave Afghanistan, I am starting to think about how life will be like coming back to the states. I feel like it's going to be an empty feeling, and feeling like I'm going home to nothing. The arguments that I have endured, the friends I have lost, trust has been lost in a few people, and the hopes of coming back to something good are all starting to come to a reality.

I will not allow myself to be moved by anyone who thinks I'm living wrong or not living to their standards. I want to live feeling like I belong somewhere. I feel like I'm going home to nothing. I have made a list of all the things I would like to accomplish when I get home, but I still feel empty, lifeless. A person cannot stay positive all the time, right? I am just wondering if I have been me, the real me. The answer to my question is: no, I haven't been  the real me. I've been feeling like a wallflower to the world. I shut down and shut everyone out of my life to "find" myself or reel myself back to reality.

"You haven't changed at all. You know, war changes people, and you haven't changed at all!" Words from someone who makes me feel so small.  It's all me, me, me. Has that person ever thought of looking at the mirror before looking at others? Why is it that everyone who you "trust" burns you, in any way they can? I am physically tired of all the arguments, all the hurt, all the doubts, all of it. I know that they mean well, but your approach is not the most keen. I've been down the road of depression, anxiety, and yes, I'm express my most intimate detail for the world to see. Nobody is perfect, nobody ever will be. I've had my fair share of "brain meds" that I've taken...none of which worked. I realized through my nasty breakup, my nasty fights with people, that none of it will change with the power of medication. What will work is talking. Talk to someone, let them be your ear. Express how YOU FEEL. I've realized that my idea of therapy is just expressing how you feel (aka blogging ;) ) or felt that moment of your breakdown.

My therapy is a bit of a mix. I exercise to release my anxiety. When I feel depressed, my vice is a glass of wine with a plate of expensive cheese, or hiking out somewhere, where nobody can find me for a couple of hours. I just need to get away. I need to loose myself in order to find myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a great family. Feeling empty in my own life needs to change. I stay positive as much as I can. Today, for the rest of today, I will remain positive. I just needed to air our my negatives.

J. Cay