Empty.

This year I told myself that I would remain positive. Well, 15 days in, and frankly, I'm going to be a bit "emo" right now. As I sit in my room, waiting on word of when I get to leave Afghanistan, I am starting to think about how life will be like coming back to the states. I feel like it's going to be an empty feeling, and feeling like I'm going home to nothing. The arguments that I have endured, the friends I have lost, trust has been lost in a few people, and the hopes of coming back to something good are all starting to come to a reality.

I will not allow myself to be moved by anyone who thinks I'm living wrong or not living to their standards. I want to live feeling like I belong somewhere. I feel like I'm going home to nothing. I have made a list of all the things I would like to accomplish when I get home, but I still feel empty, lifeless. A person cannot stay positive all the time, right? I am just wondering if I have been me, the real me. The answer to my question is: no, I haven't been  the real me. I've been feeling like a wallflower to the world. I shut down and shut everyone out of my life to "find" myself or reel myself back to reality.

"You haven't changed at all. You know, war changes people, and you haven't changed at all!" Words from someone who makes me feel so small.  It's all me, me, me. Has that person ever thought of looking at the mirror before looking at others? Why is it that everyone who you "trust" burns you, in any way they can? I am physically tired of all the arguments, all the hurt, all the doubts, all of it. I know that they mean well, but your approach is not the most keen. I've been down the road of depression, anxiety, and yes, I'm express my most intimate detail for the world to see. Nobody is perfect, nobody ever will be. I've had my fair share of "brain meds" that I've taken...none of which worked. I realized through my nasty breakup, my nasty fights with people, that none of it will change with the power of medication. What will work is talking. Talk to someone, let them be your ear. Express how YOU FEEL. I've realized that my idea of therapy is just expressing how you feel (aka blogging ;) ) or felt that moment of your breakdown.

My therapy is a bit of a mix. I exercise to release my anxiety. When I feel depressed, my vice is a glass of wine with a plate of expensive cheese, or hiking out somewhere, where nobody can find me for a couple of hours. I just need to get away. I need to loose myself in order to find myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a great family. Feeling empty in my own life needs to change. I stay positive as much as I can. Today, for the rest of today, I will remain positive. I just needed to air our my negatives.

J. Cay

Everything Happens For A Reason...

I am a firm believer that all people, in a way, have a split personality of some sort. I'm not saying they are bi-polar, but they do show signs of it to a certain degree. How can someone go from an all time high of being excited, ready to take on the world, to complete low, and negative spirit? The statements someone makes...does that make a person change their attitude or just their state of feeling in the heat of the moment? I have many questions as to why I stumble upon such confrontations.

I was hung up on the phone today. I just have to say, it's funny that people's immediate reaction to something that they can't handle or don't want to talk about, they hang up the phone or simply walk away from the situation. We've all done that, including myself. Usually I'll call back and argue, but this time around I'm going to let the petty things go where they belong, far away from me...not to be heard again. I think I've finally grown up and just learned to move on. I'm glad that I got to experience this deployment. It's made me grow up in many ways I didn't think was possible. Life is what you make out of it, and I've finally come to realize that some people just never grow up. 

That being said, I am not down today after what happened with my phone call. In fact, I'm quite happy that it did happen. It showed me that more than capable of handling any situation that I don't or can't handle the other person. I'm not a confrontational person, but if need be, I will. I must avow, I live in a world where trust is more like a fairy tale, love is just a mystery that everyone must prove is true, smiles are faux, "real" friends fade away and worst of all, people are just overly sensitive to anything and everything that is said to them ( whether it's good, bad, or indifferent ). 

I realized at that very moment, I don't live for anyone except God. I realized at that very moment, I have finally grown up. I realized at that very moment, I am not who I use to be and I am finally being ME. I realized that it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. Thank you E.E. Cummings. I've been asking myself that question for a very long time. When will you grow up? When will you be an adult? Today my friends, I became what everyone wants to be.  Themselves.  

Once upon a time, Marilyn Monroe said : “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”  Thank you Miss Monroe. I guess everyone had to grow up some time in their life. Some in the spotlight and some in the back drop. I would say that her quote really fell in good ties with my whole situation today. I love learning and growing up from situations that are key to ones life experiences. 

J. Cay